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Oh, I know it's not easy. Someone has made you really angry by saying/doing something offensive, and/or worse, violated your trust. Depending on how severe the circumstances, a grudge can last for days, months, years, and in some cases, you feel like you can never forgive the other person or people involved.
In my experience, getting over a grudge can be a painful process, especially when you care about the relationship, but feel like you shouldn't bury the hatchet. I mean, why? He cheated, she is the "friend" that never calls, they are the ones that didn't care to invite you. You may not realize it during the angry stage, but the energy that you are wasting worrying or avoiding these people in your life can be plain ol' draining - both physically and mentally. Here are a few Do's and Don'ts of getting over a grudge that I've learned (and I'm still learning!) the hard way:
- DO know that it's okay to distance yourself from the person/people involved: I am known to want closure in every disagreement, but I've realized that sometimes it's best to avoid contact for a day or two - longer for serious conflicts. Depending on the situation, you may want to briefly tell all involved that you are upset and the reason why. Let them know that you'll contact them when you're ready to talk. If they're not ready when you are, work on accepting that and move on - real relationships heal.
- DON'T vent to mutual people in your life: You may think that since a mutual person knows the both of you (and probably the situation), they can help. In some cases, this is very far from the truth! Telling someone that you both know can put them in an awkward situation, and you risk a re-hashing of a misinterpreted version of your side. Try talking to a trusted someone that can truly listen objectively.
- DO get some clarity: Ask yourself about the real reason behind your frustrations. Is it the situation at hand or is it a build-up of other issues that you let slide in the past? Either way, you need to clarify that reason for both yourself and the person involved. I happen to find clarity when journaling, walking, cooking/baking or listening to music. If you haven't already, try to find a hobby that helps you relax.
- DON'T put anything on social media: When you're angry, avoid social media outlets at all costs. Do not take this as an opportunity to send a hurtful e-mail/text, or post a passive message on Facebook, Twitter, etc. Remember: the Internet is a public forum that tends to make messy situations even messier. Not only are you are inviting the world (and their opinions) to invest in your problems, but it will come back to haunt you when it's resolved sooner or later.
- DO have a one-on-one talk - when you're ready: Relationships that matter deserve a sit-down, face-to-face conversation. Talking about how you feel via e-mail, instant message or text leaves the door open for delayed/unreceived messages, inconvenient contact times, etc., which can lead to misinterpretation and additional frustration. When you are both ready, schedule some real time on a day when you have no prior commitments, in a public area where you can speak honestly - in a mature, rational manner.
- DON'T be quick to point the finger: Conflict usually occurs when one person doesn't understand the other person's behavior. Be open to the possibility that you may also be at fault here. Find out how you could have approached the situation differently and prepare to apologize.
- DO listen - I repeat: LISTEN. It's pretty easy to dismiss what the other person is saying when you feel like you've been slighted in some way or if it's problem that seems to be on repeat. Avoid sarcasm, derisive laughter, cursing, eye rolls, etc. - it doesn't help the situation. Really listen as if you were the one trying to explain your side of things.
- DON'T interrupt: Before you get into the conversation, make a pact that you will both speak without interruption (this means taking off and putting away your cell phone...) It's only fair to hear each other out.
- DO know when it's time to throw in the towel: Some situations are fixable, some are not. Realize that people are different, and issues that are important to you may not be as important to someone else. Also, forgiveness and/or seeing one's point of view can be a lifelong journey and you may never see eye-to-eye. Understand when this is the case and try to let go in your own way.
When conflict arises, you may be a person who is constantly in your own head (like I am) or find it very easy to either hold onto or get over a grudge. Whatever the case may be, one important realization in this process is knowing when to move on. It isn't a simple task, but dwelling in negative situations only reaps negative energy. To me, it's very necessary to release your demons, surround yourself with positivity and spend your energy with people that add value to your life...
xoxo andrea
